


Crazy For You

by hermette, Pennyplainknits, sunsetmog



Category: Panic At The Disco
Genre: Kid Fic, M/M, Not Fic, chat fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-05
Updated: 2011-10-05
Packaged: 2017-10-31 02:43:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/339004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermette/pseuds/hermette, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pennyplainknits/pseuds/Pennyplainknits, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetmog/pseuds/sunsetmog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not!fic. In which Spencer is a busy executive, Brendon is his newly-appointed PA, nobody at work gets Spencer's sense of humour, and it turns out Brendon has a daughter and a puppy to go home to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crazy For You

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://sunsetmog-fics.livejournal.com/67012.html) in October 2011.
> 
> An email fic idea that grew, and grew, and grew until it became a fully fledged not!fic.

Today I am thinking about Spencer the busy executive and Brendon his PA, and Spencer who is in love with him and yet can't ever find the right thing to say, and Brendon who is always polite but nothing more, and how they fall in loveeeeeeeee. 

I just want them both to be desperately alone, and them to bicker and snipe at each other and for them both to try and win the other one but both be bad at it.

YES. I would be happy with that, too. As well.

I want there to be puppies. 

I think Spencer is a very busy, very in-demand businessman, only he's kind of grumpy and sarcastic and shy, so none of the typing pool will come and work for him anymore because they don't get his sense of humour, and they can't figure out why he has a framed picture of a strong man with a moustache on his wall that he found in an antiques place. So Jackie - who is working an internship at Spencer's firm - demands that he actually employ someone to be his PA, someone who is actually going to be paid to do all of the stuff that Spencer needs an assistant to do, rather than the stuff the typing pool did because they couldn't figure out whether Spencer was telling a joke or not. Spencer is kind of distracted, so he tells Jackie to go ahead and find someone.

So, three weeks later when he gets to work and finds a new desk outside his office and Brendon Urie sitting behind it in a shirt and vest and tie, Spencer is kind of nonplussed.

Jackie is waiting in his office, sitting on his desk. "Don't scare him off," she says. "Seriously, what did you do to the typing pool? Pee in their cornflakes?"

There was a thing, a complicated thing when Spencer had first arrived where he'd forgotten to contribute to someone's leaving fund, and then he'd accidentally spilt coffee on the cake and it had all been a huge, gigantic clumsy fuck up of a week and the typing pool had never forgiven him. Spencer still has nightmares about it. "Nothing," he says. "Who is that guy?"

"Your assistant," Jackie says again. "And dude, I know I'm your sister and everything, but you've got to stop hiding yourself away. Everyone thinks you're a freak."

 

Brendon has a baby and a puppy and no family to speak of and most of his paycheck is going to go on paying someone to sit with Holly and his dog, but his lack of experience seemed to sit well with Jackie, who'd interviewed him. He's a fast learner and kind of desperate and had thought Spencer's strong-armed moustached picture was cool. Jackie had stolen the picture to sit in the interview room as a sort of test for applicants. 

:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD A BABY NAMED HOLLY? :D :D :D :D :D :D 

Is there ever a time when Brendon has to call off because his sitter is sick and he can't find anyone else, and Spencer is like, NO. YOU HAVE TO COME IN AND DO THIS URGENT THING, which isn't actually urgent, but he sort of panics about not seeing Brendon, so Brendon has to come in and bring Holly with him? And either 1. Spencer didn't know he had a bb, and he feels like an ass, or 2. Brendon sees Jackie on his way in, and she's like lksjd;fkj BABY GIVE IT TO ME and so Brendon gets his not-so-urgent stuff done and then leaves, and Jackie goes to Spencer's office and smacks him in the back of the head and is like what the actual fuck is the matter with you?

Yes! Holly is two years old and everything Brendon is not - placid and calm and just—happy. She is happy, and she doesn't seem to mind that Brendon's away at work every day, so long as she gets him all evening. She stays up late and doesn't wake up until just before Brendon leaves in the morning.

And yes, one day she has to come in with him, and Jackie didn't know he had a daughter, so she takes Holly and the puppy, Jeeves, to look at the fishtank in reception and to get some juice, so when Jackie turns up with kid and puppy in tow, and Holly clambers into Brendon's lap and says, "Daddy," Spencer is rendered speechless. Then afterwards, when Spencer didn't know what to say and didn't say anything, and Brendon has gone home sad with his baby and his dog, then Jackie smacks him around the head and says _what the fuck was that_. 

Okay, and maybe Spencer feels like the most unmitigated asshole ever, and he's like, I... you should just go, you can go, and Brendon is like no, no, I can finish this. I know you wouldn't have called if it wasn't important. And Spencer just wants to die, because it's just something completely stupid that Spencer could really have done himself. 

OH. OH. And maybe he misses Administrative Professionals Day (which is totally a thing over here) because he didn't even know it was a thing, and everyone else is taking their PAs out to lunch or giving them flowers or whatever, and Spencer doesn't even KNOW.

 

Brendon would be SO SAD and quiet and mopey because he thought he was doing a good job and making a life for his daughter and his dog and obviously Spencer doesn't think that he's doing a good job.

Which is of course when Spencer decides to fix it by taking Brendon a picnic at the weekend, and then trying to back away so Brendon could enjoy with Holly, and Brendon is sad because he doesn't think Spencer wants to spend time with him, or not in public anyway, or at work. Spencer stays for the picnic and enjoys playing with Holly and Jeeves and it's kind of fun, even though Brendon's place is kind of a dump. But Brendon is still sad that Spencer didn't appreciate him in the office, so when he gets to work on Monday and finds a new coffee machine, just for him, and a big bunch of flowers because Brendon is the kind of guy who likes flowers, and Spencer finds that what he actually wants is for Brendon to have more around him that makes him happy. And he prints off a snap he took of Brendon and Holly and Jeeves and finds a crappy frame and puts it on Brendon's desk. 

Yes, it's a total thing! I think it's in April every year? It's like valentine's day for bosses. They take their assistants out for lunch and/or buy them flowers and/or a gift. The funny thing is that whoever is the PA for the head boss, they're usually the ones who have to organize the whole thing, to make sure someone is around to answer phones and fax things, that not every person in the office leaves for lunch at once. 

Y/Y! I love this! So it's April, and it's warming up, but still windy, and Holly spends the whole picnic running around and laughing when the wind catches the dandelions and sends the little seed things scattering.

 

Aaaaah SO CUTE. (also I am sure there would be a day when Spencer calls Brendon at home to ask him something—maybe even the day he's calling to invite Brendon for the picnic, or some work related matter, and he never calls Brendon at home but he wasn't even thinking, and Holly picks up the phone and he finds himself very carefully making conversation with a two-year-old, with Brendon's _daughter_. When Brendon comes back from the kitchen or the bathroom and finds her on the phone with his boss he can't decide whether to FREAK OUT at what kind of impression this is leaving on his BOSS, and oh God what if Holly said something embarrassing—what if she repeats something he said when he was _ranting about work_ oh shit—or if he kind of wants to melt from how cute it is because his girl is the smartest, cutest freaking thing in the entire universe and god, he would love to see Spencer's face right now.)

 

...and sometime in the late afternoon, a little after the time Holly's used to taking a nap, they're lying on their backs spotting shapes in the clouds, and Holly falls asleep half on top of Brendon's chest, and all of a sudden they're two adults in the park, with no kid to be the focus of their attention, and no work to talk about or talk around, and Spencer maybe panics a little and brings up work anyway /o\\.

omg yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy because there would always be an awkward silence when Holly falls asleep, because Spencer is normally so shy and he's much less shy when Holly's around, so it's a shift to try and get back behind the wall that he normally builds up.

And, of course, the next time SPencer calls up, he shyly asks if he can talk to Holly on the phone. <3

Can Holly fall asleep in the office and bden isn't there, and Spencer covers her over with his suit jacket, all awkward?

oh man, I really hope there comes a time when Spencer has to actually babysit for Holly, and when Brendon comes home she's asleep on the couch, because Spencer couldn't get her to stay in her bed, and there are clothes and toys and books EVERYWHERE, and Spencer is sitting in the dark with the tv on, but the sound off, petting Holly's back. And he's sort of mortified at the state of Brendon's house, but he's also unbearably proud of himself for keeping Holly alive for four whole hours, all by himself. 

Maybe Brendon has really bad toothache, like _really bad_ , but he can't go get treatment for it because his babysitter's out of town and he hasn't got anyone he can leave Holly with, so Spencer steps in and takes Holly and lets Brendon go to the dentist, and then come home and go to bed because he's in pain and hasn't slept in four days, and when he wakes up Holly's passed out in Spencer's lap and the place looks like something exploded in it, and Spencer has applesauce on his forehead but Holly is ALIVE. Spencer didn't kill her. And Brendon doesn't feel quite like dying anymore. 

 

Spencer has never looked after a kid before. He wasn't very good at it and Holly knew that, but he did it. And Brendon didn't look so sick anymore, which was a win for Spencer. 

It takes Bden a week to get all the popcorn kernels out of his rug. 

And he has to sneak Holly's blanket away from her at night to try and wash the finger paint stains out. He doesn't think the black marker pen is ever going to come off her toy firetruck. Spencer is walking aroudn like he accidentally won Wimbledon or something. 

Lololol. Spencerrr. How do they finally get together?

they don't for a long time, because they are both learning about being better people. Brendon is really good for Spencer's shyness, and Brendon gives him pep talks before big meetings so that he doesn't clam up with nervousness. Spencer appreciates that such a lot. And Brendon has been desperately trying to hold it together since Holly was tiny and her mom gave her up and his family cried a lot and wouldn't take him back because he'd sinned and he had a baby and he'd ruined the life of a good mormon girl. He's had no one for so long and now he has a job that he's good at and a baby he adores and a puppy that mostly doesn't pee on the rug anymore. 

So the fact that they're both desperately in love with each other and determined not to let on to anyone is kind of an issue.

Aaahhhhhhhh DO THEY EVER HAVE TO GO AWAY ON BUSINESS TOGETHER? 

OH GOSH YES. Maybe Christmas is coming and they are both very aware how much they are in love with the other but they can't do anything about it, because Spencer thinks that Brendon is straight (he has a BABY) and Brendon thinks that Spencer would never want to be saddled with a family, and a dog that keeps peeing in his sneakers, and there is the annual conference coming up. Spencer crashed and burned presenting there last year and he thinks he's going to have an actual panic attack this year - he keep sthinking back to forgetting what he was talking about and dropping his powerpoint clicker remote thing and then it wouldn't work and losing his train of thought and seriously, he can't go through it again, he can't do it. Plus there's a lot of organisation to do, so in the end Brendon says he'll come. And Jackie comes too, even though she's back at college and not working with Spencer anymore now that summer's over, but she comes to take care of Holly during the working day. 

She also figures out really quickly that Spencer has fallen really hard for Brendon, which is weird since Spencer has never given any sign of being gay. Part of the reason Brendon couldn't marry the girl he'd gotten pregnant is because he'd realised he was gay, and even though he'd offered, she wouldn't take him up on it, and she'd agreed when her family had offered to move and start again somewhere fresh with her.

This is so good for me! Boooys get it together! Maybe Holly is sick and Spencer drops everything because for some reason Brendon can't be there? Or he can, but he just needs some moral support and spencer knows he kind of sucks at it but he is willing to try, for Brendon?

 

OKAY, so maybe one day Brendon comes in to work and asks if he can have Friday off, and Spencer sort of panics, because it's the first time he's requested time off since the whole tooth extravaganza, but Brendon is quick to tell him no, it's Holly's birthday, and he just wants to spend the day with her. Of course Spencer lets him have it off, and then as the week goes on, he asks Brendon what they have planned, and Brendon tells him nothing, really, because it's not like he has family to come to a birthday party, and Holly's family obviously isn't coming, and since Holly isn't in day care, she doesn't have any friends. And so maybe Spencer takes the day off as well and that morning he goes to a party store and buys like, a bazillion balloons and a big princess cake and a little pink crown that says Birthday Girl! and he goes over to Brendon's, feeling like an absolute fool but see, Spencer has made an ass out of himself about a thousand times in his life, and if there's one person he doesn't mind making an ass of himself on purpose for, it's Brendon. 

Yyyyyyyyyy because the one person Spencer can't be shy in front of anymore is holly, because she just barges right on past that and demands his attention. So he turns up with a cake and balloons and a bright red ball and discovers brendon in his sleep shorts and a party hat with holly on his hip. It's strangely, breathtakingly perfect.

YES YES YES. And Spencer has a whole day planned, right? They eat cake for breakfast, and then they go on a train ride at the mall, then to Chuck E Cheese for lunch (Holly can't really play many of the games, but she loves to feed the tickets into the little machines and Brendon and Spencer get into a viscous Skee ball competition) and Spnecer spends like, seventy dollars on tokens so that they can win enough tickets to get Holly a stuffed snake (which is HORRIFYING, but she loves it, so whatever) and then they go to the park, only Holly falls asleep in the backseat. Spencer didn't account for her nap. He's mortified, but it's okay, because he and Brendon get to the park and park in the shade and roll all the windows down and sort of doze and chat while Holly sleeps in her carseat, clutching that stupid snake to her chest. Once she wakes up they go and play on the swings and the slides and Spencer takes about a thousand pictures of Brendon helping Holly accross the monkey bars, and then they go to the toy store and Spencer lets Holly pick out anything she wants. Brendon protests that Spencer already bought her and snake, and Spencer is like, She WON that snake, and she picks this little cash register and a little shopping cart filled with plastic food and then they go home and Spencer sits in the floor with her and plays supermarket with her while Brendon makes pizza. Or while Brendon attempts to make pizza. He's mostly just standing in the kitchen with his forehead pressed to the cold refrigeration door, wondering when this got so completely out of hand. When he goes back into the living room to see if Spencer likes a lot of cheese or a little cheese, Holly has passed out in the middle of the floor and Spencer is sheepishly trying to get all of her plastic fruit back into her little shopping cart. 

omg YES. Because he's never had ANYONE to spoil, and Brendon loves Holly so much it's obvious from space, but he can't spoil her. He doesn't have the cash. Brendon told Spencer that until they moved into this place, a month after Brendon started working for Spencer, Holly had never had her own room. She had shared with Brendon, and in the place before this it had been two rooms and a bathroom and no outside space. At least Holly has her own room now, and they have a puppy, and Brendon can buy her presents and party hats and make her pizza for dinner, but he can't do all that and win her a snake too. So Spencer spoils her, and he feels kind of bad because he doesn't know if he's rubbing Brendon's face in it with all the things that Brendon can't afford, but Brendon seems happy. 

Until Spencer goes into the kitchen after he hears the oven timer go off, and finds Brendon with his head in his hands because he's so in love with his boss he can't see straight.

YESSSSSSSSSSS. And Spencer freaks, because he thinks he's overdone it, or maybe Brendon had something planned for Holly's birthday, being her dad and all, and Spencer came in and ruined it, or or or or or... There are a thousand things going through his head, not the least of which is the way his chest is so tight he can hardly breathe, and all he wants to do is just walk over and put his arms around Brendon and hold onto him until he figures out a way to make him stop looking like that. 

Only he doesn't know how. Brendon's kitchen is tiny, and he can't be more that four feet away, but Spencer has no idea how to close the distance between them. 

So in the end he just says, "Brendon -"

And Brendon's head darts up and he clearly didn't realise that Spencer had been there, and his eyes are red.

"I'm sorry -" Spencer says, haltingly, because he's fairly sure he's just ruined everything and made Brendon feel bad about his daughter and ruined Holly's birthday - Holly and the puppy are asleep together on the living room floor; Spencer's put his hoodie over her - and Brendon just shakes his head. 

"Holly's had the most amazing day," he says, "I'm sorry I'm ruining it."

"You not," Spencer says quickly, taking a step towards Brendon. "You couldn't." Brendon pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes and shakes his head; Spencer's chest hurts. "Just-" He takes another step forward and lifts his hand. It hovers awkwardly by Brendon's elbow. He wants to ask Brendon what he did wrong, how he got it all so backwards, but that feels like asking for something that doesn't really belong to him, and besides, he doesn't want to have to force Brendon to say it. 

"I should-" Spencer says, jerking his head at the door. 

"No," Brendon says, quickly. "Don't go because I'm being weird. Holly asked you to put her to bed." He stops, his skin flushing pink. "I mean, you probably have somewhere you want to be instead. I'm sorry, of course you can go."

Spencer swallows. He feels like his breath is caught in his throat. "I—" he starts. "There's nowhere," he says, finally. "There's nowhere I want to be that isn't here."

Brendon's eyes dart up to meet his, just for a moment, wide and bright. "Oh," he says. "The pizzas are done. You should stay for pizza."

"Holly's asleep," Spencer says. "She can't miss her own birthday pizza."

"Right," Brendon says. "No, of course not. I'll, um. Go wake her." 

It's a tight squeeze to slide past Spencer, even when Spencer flattens himself against the counter to let Brendon out, and Brendon gets a big lungful of the way Spencer smells like sugar and cologne and the lavender lotion Brendon uses on Holly. He has to steady himself against with one hand against the wall once he's out of Spencer's sight. 

Holly is sprawled on the living room rug with Spencer's hoodie tucked around her shoulders, the puppy curled up against her side. Brendon smiles, can't even pretend to stop himself. 

"Holly," he whispers, squatting down beside her. "Holly bear." 

Holly grunts and pushes a balled up fist against her eye. 

"Holly," Brendon murmurs, shaking her shoulder. "Baby girl, pizza's ready." 

After a minute or so, Brendon has to concede that Holly is down for the count. He hasn't seen her crash this hard in forever. He grins and picks her up, still wrapped in Spencer's hoodie, and turns around to find Spencer leaning against the doorway from the kitchen to the living room, arms crossed over his chest. The look on his face is so fond that Brendon feels like his heart is going to fly apart. 

"She's out," he says, shifting her against his chest. "I'm going to go put her down." 

Spencer nods and takes a halting step towards them. "I said-" he starts, and his cheeks go pink. "I promised I'd put her to bed." 

"she," Brendon says, hesitantly "She sometimes wakes up. Like, around ten. You could stay. til then. if you like. There's pizza?"

"I like pizza," Spencer says. "But I promised I'd put her to bed."

"She won't know," Brendon says. "It's okay if you don't want to, it's fine."

Spencer bites his lip. "I want to," he says. "If you'll let me. I promised. But it's okay if you don't want me to-"

Brendon shakes his head, and kisses the top of Holly's head. She smells like baby, like his baby, and like his whole world. He gave up every single thing in his life for her and he wouldn't change any of it, not a single moment. "Okay," he says. "If you want to."

"Yeah," Spencer breathes. "And then pizza."

It's a little awkward, trying to pass Holly off. Spencer is still unsure about her, don't quite realize how bendy two-year olds are. He makes a horrid face when Holly's head lolls around, flopping against his shoulder. She snuffles and buries her face in his neck. She's still wearing her tiny red converse; the laces are undone and tickling Spencer's arm. 

"I'll get her door," Brendon whispers, squeezing Spencer's shoulder. Spencer nods and follows him down the tiny hallway. 

His heart is beating so loud in his chest. Brendon's place smells of pizza, and his stomach is rumbling but all he can smell is Holly, and her shampoo and she's candy-sweet. Spencer feels kind of overawed that Brendon's letting him do this, put her to bed on her birthday. Her bed isn't even a kids' bed. It's grown up size, but her blankets are kid-sized and her princess sheets don't properly fit. Brendon blushes, and mumbles something about her growing into the bed, but Spencer doesn't care. He puts her down so, so carefully, just in case she breaks, and then makes a start on her shoes, loosening the laces so he can slip them off. He fits the sheets around her, so that she's tucked in, and she's got her blanket.

When he stands up, her shoes in his hand, Brendon's watching him with something bright in his gaze that Spencer can't recognize. 

"Pizza?" he says, softly, and his mouth's so dry he can barely find words. "Then maybe I can hang around in case she wakes up again later."

Brendon nods and takes a step back, out of the room, toward the food, away from Spencer, away from a reckless move that he can't take back. 

At least, that's what he means to do. What he actually does is take a step toward Spencer, then another and then another. His tongue is stuck to the roof of his mouth, and his knees are barely holding up his weight. In the dim light of Holly's nightlight, Spencer's eyes are the color of a fairy tale sky. 

"Brendon -" Spencer says, haltingly.

"Please—" Brendon says, and then he's wrapping his arms around Spencer's neck, hugging him so tightly that Spencer can barely breathe. Shadows dance on the wall as Spencer slowly, carefully, slides his hands into Brendon's hair and hugs him back. 

And Spencer's _shaking_ , he feels so stupid, to be scared of this, scared of _Brendon_ of all people, but it's this huge thing, and he can feel himself trembling, his knees like jelly as he feels the softness of Brendon's hair between his fingers, and Brendon must feel it too, because he holds him even tighter and makes the same kind of wordless comforting noises that he makes when Holly is upset.

"shhh shhhh" he says into Spencer's ear, nose brushing Spencer's cheek "shhhh it's ok."

"We'll wake her," Spencer says, shakily, because for once he's allowed himself to _want_ , and he wants this. 

"She sleeps like the dead," Brendon says. "I should know, when she was tiny I used to wake her up all the fucking time, just in case she was."

"Don't say that," Spencer says, mouth pressed to Brendon's ear. "Don't -"

"You have no idea," Brendon says, and they're clinging to each other in the middle of Holly's bedroom, and Spencer has no idea what to do or how to let go. "The first time she got sick I was so scared. I didn't know who to ask if she was going to be okay."

Spencer doesn't let go. "You're a great dad," he says. "She's so lucky."

Brendon's laugh catches in his throat, and Spencer shifts so that he can see Brendon's face. 

"You are," Spencer tells him. "She's the luckiest kid. She has you."

"I can't give her what I want to give her," Brendon says, and his voice really does catch this time. "Her sheets don't even fit on her bed, Spence."

Spencer swallows. "She doesn't care," he says, because Holly doesn't. She has her dad and she has her puppy and she's happy. She's really fucking happy. "She adores you."

"I can't even give her a family," Brendon says, softly, and Spencer thinks that Brendon's about a second away from crying. 

"You can," Spencer says, quietly. "You have." He thinks about leaning in and kissing Brendon on the mouth, just to show him someone cares, but Spencer _can't_. He can't. Brendon doesn't have anyone, and Spencer can't be the one to screw the one friendship he does have up. 

Brendon rests his forehead against Spencer's, and Spencer's so close to him they're practically sharing breath. "It's been so hard," he says, softly. "So fucking hard, Spence."

"I know," Spencer says, but he has no idea. He really has no idea. "You've got me, though." He wants to say, _you don't have to be on your own anymore_. 

"Uncle Spence," Brendon says, trying to laugh. He wipes his nose on his sleeve. Spencer should find that gross, but he doesn't. 

"You bet," Spencer says. "And Aunt Jackie, if she has anything to do with it. Wait until you meet Crystal, she'll eat Holly up."

Brendon tries to smile. "Yeah," he says. He squares his shoulder. "Pizza time?"

"Sure," Spencer says, and looks down at Holly, asleep on her princess sheets, cheeks flushed. 

Nooooooooooo Spencer you're not just an uncle can't you seeeeeeee. (One day Ryan might be the uncle and he would be the best weird uncle in the universe. And oh oh Dallon would be another dad Brendon meets at the playground or at nursery school *__*).

ANYWAY. BESTEST. And so maybe Spencer's kind of resolving to, as long as he's going to be an uncle, he's going to be the best uncle ever, and if this is what's going to make Brendon happy, then he's going to make sure Brendon gets himself a wife too, or a girlfriend or something, and maybe if he does Spencer might be able to move on too. So he starts ragging on Brendon that he needs to get out more, he needs to go on a date, come on, here's this GREAT GUY/GIRL *slips him phone number* and Brendon says that what, he doesn't even have time to date, he works long hours, remember? And Spencer says he'll give him time off, duh, and Brendon protests that he doesn't have a babysitter so Spencer tells him that Jackie will do it. Jackie of course refuses to cooperate because "have you LOST YOUR MIND you asshole I am not cooperating with your stupid, stupid plan", so Spencer says, "FINE, whatever, I'll babysit."

And Brendon's convinced that that's it, this is total proof that despite what Brendon might have thought, Spencer isn't—Spencer just likes him a lot, that's it, and—and fuck it, maybe he should just go on this date :( He's not exactly enthusiastic at the prospect, but. Maybe it's time to start thinking about it. Especially if—if it might help him get over Spencer, or if he just, maybe he should just take advantage of what Spencer's offering, god knows not every boss he has in the future will be this considerate.

Spencer arrives just as Brendon finishes getting ready for his date, and he's—Spencer kind of can't breathe for a moment. Brendon's not dressed that differently—he comes to the office looking sharp, after all—but he looks different somehow, younger and more self-assured at the same time, earnest and a little nervous, hair falling into his eyes in a carefully-arranged-to-look-haphazard way, and he smells _clean_ , like—not baby powder clean or toothpaste clean, but the kind of gentle, crisp smell of mild cologne and shampoo and cleanliness, the kind of scent you wear for dates because you want the other person to stay close, to come closer.

Spencer swallows.

(and in the end Brendon will return from his date, and it was fine, it wasn't _bad_ , but it wasn't exciting either, but maybe if he continues for another date or two there'll be more potential—but then he unlocks his door, quietly so as not to wake Holly up, and finds Spencer asleep on the couch with Holly sleeping on his chest, and oh, _oh_.)

((in the very very end—I'm not sure how PAs even work in the kind of office hierarchy you're talking about—but either Brendon will transfer to a different position, or he can continue working as Spencer's PA, except Spencer won't be his direct boss—Spencer's boss will. Working under the same boss >>> direct supervision.))

I think, basically, at this point Spencer is so aware of what Brendon doesn't have that he doesn't want to ruin what he DOES have, so he sets about trying to make Brendon's life better, without risking anything that he does have. So he invites Brendon and Holly to a family barbecue, to meet Spencer's parents, and it's clear to everyone that Spencer's in love, but he keeps on denying it when Jackie talks to him about it. 

 

Are Spencer's parents completely smitten with Holly? And his mom carries her around on her hip all afternoon?

Holly loves Spencer's mom and dad's back yard, and she loves it when Spencer's dad shows her around the flowerbeds, and holds all the flowers and bits of rock and leaves she collects to show her daddy. Spencer's mom shows her all their old books that used to be Spencer's and the girls, and provided that her kids aren't that attached to them, she offers some of them to Brendon, who is so profoundly grateful that he wants to cry. He takes Holly to the library all the time but he can't give her this stuff at home, so Jackie and Crystal promptly resolve to get together a box of their old toys for Holly to play with. In fact, they know where their old my little ponies are so they take Holly off to play with them and Brendon just looks wide-eyed and shell-shocked. It's been a long time since he's had such easy acceptance from anyone. 

And Holly is potty training, I think, and while Brendon is sitting in a rickety old lawn chair with a plate of baked beans and hot dogs balanced on his knees, Holly comes traipsing out of the house with Spencer's mom in tow, and she's like "I TEE TEE ON THE POTTY!" and Brendon is like lskJdf;kjds YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THESE THINGS! And Spencer's mom is like, it's okay, i took her, and Brendon is like, okay, you really, REALLY don't have to—and Spencer's mom is like, really, it's no big deal. She did great! She's such a big girl, aren't you, Holly? ANd Holly is like YES I AM. I BIG GIRL. And Brendon is like, uh. Did you...give her sugar? and Spencer's mom is like... :| Maybe a popsicle? And Brendon is like.... and Spencer's mom is like... or two? And Holly spends the rest of the afternoon pinging around like a pinball and Brendon is like JFC CHILD CALM DOWN, but no one seems to care that she's turned all the way up to eleven. 

Eventually she climbs up into Spencer's dad's lap and falls asleep while he makes up a story for her about a dragon slaying princess, and Brendon can't tell if he wants to stay here forever, or if he wants to leave, now, before this gets so big that losing it would empty him out completely.

Spencer's parents are so kind, and they make him take some of the salad and left over barbecue food back for Holly and the puppy and Brendon. Jackie and Crystal take a million pictures of Holly playing with the ponies, and Holly is in her element, having all of these people to play with and talk to and Brendon just feels—he feels terrible that he can't offer her this. That her mom is off somewhere with her family trying to make up for her sin, and Brendon can't get over the idea that Holly is perfect and amazing and part of the reason he knows he's never getting what faith he once had back is that he can't ever think of Holly as being a sin. As being anything other than a _gift_. He wonders, sometimes, if he should try getting back in touch with his family, but he doesn't think he can cope if they haven't changed.

Still, at the end of the afternoon Brendon wants to get his daughter and his dog home and lock the doors and close the curtains and pretend like he isn't wishing that all this could be theirs forever. 

yes yes yes, and then it's this glorious push and pull, where Spencer is trying to give Brendon and Holly everything they deserve to have, and Bredon wants everything that isn't his, and the tension just mounts and mounts and mounts. The next time Spencer brings Brendon and Holly over, Spencer's parents have bought Holly a little potty seat shaped like a frog, and Brendon winds up CRYING in the bathroom while Spencer sets the table. CRYING over a stupid potty seat that looks like a frog, he wants to die.

 

If Spencer notices that Brendon's eyes are pink, he doesn't say anything. He just helps serve up the macaroni and cheese and concentrates on making sure that Holly eats the carrots that Brendon's cooked for her. He makes happy, smiley, _I'm enjoying my carrots_ faces and she ignores him, because Holly is brighter than the average Holly Bear and can't be taken in by vegetables and Brendon and Spencer.

Brendon is careful to notice that Spencer tries not to spend too much money on Holly. The things he brings around are old toys and books and bits and pieces like the potty seat and a pirate hat and a bear in a sweater with a frog on the front of it. When the puppy bursts Holly's red birthday ball, Spencer brings her another, bright blue ball and plays ball with her for an hour, until Holly's ready to drop and Brendon's ready to curl up and cry with how little he can offer his daughter. 

Is that how it finally happens? Do things come to a head and then tension just snaps and they get into a heated, whispered fight? :D

Do Spencer's parents have a picture of Brendon and Spencer and Holly somewhere? And Ginger says really its because Spencer looks so silly in it (he has a pirate hat on and a tutu) that she has to have it to show everyone at every opportunity, but really its because of how wholly happy they look?

Of course. And they have a picture of Holly pinned to their fridge, brandishing a my little pony. When people ask who she is, they say "...she's Spencer's—friend's." And then make some meaningful eyebrow waggles, since they think that Brendon and Spence could be good for each other, plus they're watching Brendon and Spencer fall in love in front of them, which is hard to miss.

I think it comes to a head after Spencer tries to send Brendon on a date. Spencer is so miserable and Brendon is so stressed and Brendon ends up snapping and saying that he gets it, he gets that Spencer thinks he's not a good enough dad to Holly and that other people can offer her more, and it's a kneejerk, mean thing to say that has both of their hearts breaking, and Spencer can't apologise enough because that was never his intention, and Brendon thinks he's ruined everything, because the date was with someone who earned a ton of money and had a flash car and could have put Holly through private school. Brendon can't even put her in daycare. 

and Spencer says "i don't want to give her everything. Not her." and he kind of looks at Brendon but brendon doesn't say anything and he's still angry, red spots of colour on his cheeks.

"Holly, and you." Spencer manages to get out "and me. That's what I want to give her. Me. But you don't want that."

Brendon looks stunned, and kind of mad. "What?" he says.

"I'm _sorry_ ," Spencer says, and he just keeps apologising, since oh god, this was never his intention, and he loves Brendon so much and he'd never do anything to hurt him, but he has done, and he feels like the worst human being in the world, since he's made Brendon feel worse than he did before, which was never the intention. In the end he says, "I just wanted to give you nice things."

Brendon snaps, and says, "I don't want nice things. I don't need you to provide for me and for Holly, what the fuck," and the dog starts barking and Holly starts crying and first of all she wants Brendon, but then she sees Spencer and wants a hug from him, which just about breaks Brendon's heart.

"And you don't want me," Spencer says, softly. "I just—I know you don't want me, but I wanted to find someone who'd give you what I'd give you if you wanted _me_ , that's all. That's what I was doing."

"Say that again," Brendon says, trying to sooth Holly's tired cries. "Because I don't have a clue what's going on."

"So the thing is," Spencer says, "the thing is that I'm in love with you, and I've been trying so hard not to make it a big deal for you, but I can't keep it inside any more, and I'm _sorry_."

Brendon swallows, and holds Holly closer. She clings to him, mouth against his skin. "You're sorry you're in love with me?"

"I'm sorry that you don't want me to be" Spencer says. "I'm not sorry I love you and Holly. You can't make me sorry for that."

"Was all this -" Brendon sweeps his hand in the air, and means, _everything_ , "was it all because you were in love with me?"

"No," Spencer says, quickly. "I mean -" he lets out a breath. "I'm in love with you, but you're also my, uh, you're my best friend. And my family love you and they love Holly and I just—say something, Brendon. Please, just tell me you don't want me, and then I can just stop hoping."

Brendon makes a choked off noise and squeezes Holly so tight that she squeaks. "Daddy," she grunts, and Brendon smooths a hand down her back and lets her climb down. 

"I..." he says. He doesn't know what to say. He can't deal with this; he's still dressed in his date clothes, and Spencer has playdough stuck to his sweater and Brendon can't deal with this. "I think maybe you should go." 

"Okay," Spencer says, but he doesn't move. Holly walks over to Spencer and he reaches down and picks her up effortlessly, settling her on his hip like he's done it a thousand times. And maybe he has. Brendon used to count these moments, and now there are so many stacked up against one another he can't tell them apart any more.

 

Spencer's holding on to Brendon's daughter like he's about to cry, and Brendon wants to cry too, because he thought this was everything he wanted, but now he's just mad and confused and tired. He's so tired.

Spencer presses a kiss to Holly's forehead. "You be good for your daddy, baby," he says, and he sounds choked-up.

Brendon can't breathe. "Come here, Holly," he says.

Holly shakes her head. "No," she says, and plays with Spencer's sweater.

"Go to your daddy, sweetheart," Spencer says. "Go on."

"No," Holly says again, and rubs her nose against Spencer's sleeve. 

Spencer looks at Brendon helplessly, and if Brendon wasn't on the verge of collapse, he'd laugh. It's so fucking predictable. In the entire time he's known him, the only time Spencer has ever said no to Holly was when she wanted to ride her bike down the street naked.

 

Brendon hates being the bad guy all the fucking time. "Come on, Holly," he says, and reaches for her. "Spencer has to go now. Say bye-bye."

"No," Holly says, high-pitched. "Don't want to."

"What it-" Spencer says, shooting a glance at Brendon. "What if I tuck you in, Holly bear? Really quick, okay? It's way past your bedtime, little one. Mr. Sun has already gone to sleep." He kneels down and sets Holly on her feet and cups her cheek. Brendon's eyes burn. "If that's okay with your daddy?"

 

Brendon nods, because he can't speak. Instead, he follows as Spencer picks up Holly and takes her down the hallway to her bedroom. He watches from the doorway as Spencer puts her into bed and tucks her in and kisses her forehead.

"Goodnight, sweetheart," Spencer says. "Be good for your daddy."

Holly's already falling asleep, but Brendon leans in and kisses her cheek. "Love you, little one," he says, and when he stands up, Spencer's watching him, eyes wet.

"I'm sorry -" Spencer says, abruptly. He turns to go. "I'm so sorry."

Brendon waits a moment as Spencer steps out into the hallway, and then he can't help himself. He goes after him, and grabs Spencer's sleeve. 

Spencer makes a pained noise, and stops, dropping his head. Brendon curls his fingers into the soft weave of Spencer's sweater, and tries not to think about a time when he wasn't so terrified to _want_.

"Spencer -" he says, and then he stops, abruptly, because he has no idea what else to say.

"I _love you_ ," Spencer says, desperately, and Brendon can't help himself, he just can't. He closes the distance between them both and presses his mouth to Spencer's. 

And Spencer thinks, Brendon spends so long being brave. He's let enough out about his family and it doesn't take long to fill in the gaps, really. He's so brave and he makes Spencer feel like he can be brave too, so Spencer slowly, slowly curves his fingers round to they brush against Brendon's where he's holding his sleeve

Spencer makes a shocked, quiet sound, because Holly is _right there_ and asleep, but Brendon is urgent and almost _desperate_ against him, and he doesnt' remember what it's like to not want him and so he pushes Brendon gently back against the wall and opens his mouth to him and lets it all pour out.#

They stumble into Brendon's dark bedroom, and Spencer wonders if he shouldn't slow this down, but he knows that this is more than just _right now_. This has been building for ages, for months and months and months, and if this is Spencer's one chance, he's damn well going to take it. 

Spencer's knees hit Brendon's mattress, and he tumbles onto it, pulling Brendon with him. They're kissing so hard, mouths open wide, trying to fit themselves together anyway they can. Spencer's brain is going about a million miles an hour... and then Brendon pulls back and sucks in a deep, unsteady breath. He whispers, "Spence," and touches his palm to Spencer's chest. It's just the two of them, the two of them, and Brendon's thin mattress and Brendon's dusty ceiling fan turning lazily above them.

I THINK THERE IS A VERY GOOD CHANCE BRENDON HASN'T HAD SEX SINCE HOLLY WAS BORN. IN FACT, I THINK THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE HE HASN'T HAD SEX SINCE HOLLY WAS CONCEIVED. AND ALSO, I DON'T THINK HE HAD ALL THAT MUCH SEX BEFORE HOLLY WAS CONCEIVED, EITHER. 

ALSO I DON'T THINK SPENCER EXACTLY GETS MUCH. PROBABLY NOT SINCE COLLEGE. HE'S REALLY SHY. APART FROM THAT ONE TIME, BUT HE WAS REALLY DRUNK. 

Spencer can't be held responsible for that one time. It's the one and only time he's had sex with a guy, and he doesn't remember much of it, apart from vomiting on the bathroom floor in the morning, but he is almost one hundred percent sure that he had sex in the park and a duck watched them. 

For long moments, they simply lie there in the dark and breathe together, gazes locked—and then Brendon grins, biting his bottom lip and burying his face in Spencer's neck. Spencer exhales. He feels like his heart is going to beat right out of his chest. He closes his eyes and wraps his arms around Brendon and rolls onto his back, pulling Brendon with him. 

"Love you," he murmurs, pressing the sound into the hollow beneath Brendon's ear. "Love you, love you, love you." 

(YOU SEE WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU LEAVE THIS UP TO ME?)

I unfortunately went to a place where Spencer had to check around Brendon's bedroom in case there was a duck, because ducks have creepy eyes okay, and one voyeuristic duck experience is enough for any dude.

You went to a better place. 

The duck can be a cut scene. This fic has bonus features yo

And Brendon shifts around on top of him at every press of Spencer's lips to his skin, and he's gasping out little pained, worldless gasps that start "sp-" but never really finish, and it's so awkward and fumbling and _necessary_ and Spencer knows he should at least try and get Brendon's shirt off, but that would mean moving his mouth from his neck and he can't seem to bring himself to do that.

sooooo, they have silly, fumbly sexy times, and Spencer comes about seven seconds after Brendon gets his hand down Spencer's pants and he's so red that Brendon can feel the heat coming off his cheeks, but then it's okay, because Brendon gets his hand down his own pants and comes and he's so fucking gorgeous that Spencer wonders if it's physically possible for him to get it up again. 

Spencer means to leave before Holly wakes up, he really does, but unfortunately sex has rendered him useless, and when he wakes up, he's got a sleep-warm two year old plastered to his back and Brendon is standing in the doorway in pajama pants, holding a coffee mug and smiling so fondly.   
They both know they should take things slowly, but they're in a little too deep for that. Brendon has to transfer to a new department, and Spencer has to get a new assistant, only he's a complete terror and they keep quitting four days in, and Brendon has to come BACK and work for Spencer again, and he's so exasperated, or at least he would be if he didn't know Spencer was doing it on purpose. 

Then one day, he finds a guy named Dallon, who is awesome and funny and doesn't take any of Spencer's shit, and he's got two kids and a beautiful wife, and they have play dates at the park on the weekends. Sometimes Spencer plays freeze tag with the kids; sometimes he just sits on the blanket and holds Brendon's hand and gives the mallards the side-eye.

YES YES YES YES and then the intern the following summer is Ian, who is little and kind of charming and talks to Brendon about music, and how the fuck did Spencer not know how much of a musician Brendon was growing up, fuck.

 

And then one day Brendon's mom turns up on their doorstep, and she's crying, and they'd hired a private detective because they'd missed Brendon and wanted to make things up with him, but it had taken him ages to find Brendon. And then Spencer shows up behind Brendon, in sleep pants with Holly on his hip, and curls his hand around Brendon's waist. 

Brendon is too shocked to cry, even though he's got that gritty, burning feeling behind his eyes. Holly turns inexplicably shy and clings to Spencer and Brendon doesn't know what to say. He's imagined this a thousand times, but now he doesn't know if he wants to slam the door, or if he wants to step back and let him mom inside. He reaches for Holly, who clambers over and wraps her little legs around Brendon's waist. 

"Is this—" 

"Holly," Brendon says. "My daughter."

Brendon's mom is crying, but she's smiling too, and although her smile falters a bit when she sees Spencer, and Brendon says, "and this is Spencer. He's my boyfriend," - she's not frowning. She just looks so incredibly pleased to see him, and Brendon doesn't know what to do with that. 

He kind of wishes Spencer would just _do something_ , and take the choice away from him, but he doesn't. His hand is steady and familiar at Brendon's back, and he knows that if he shuts the door and walks away, Spencer will be there. If he lets his mom in, Spencer will be there. He presses his cheek to the soft, sweet hair curled around Holly's ear and thinks, _family_. He thinks about the family you're born with, and the one you make for yourself. He thinks that no matter what happens right now, in this moment, he's been blessed beyond any imagining. He doesn't believe in God anymore, hasn't in a long time, but he closes his eyes anyway and thinks, _thank you, thank you, thank you_ , and sends it out into the universe, just in case anyone is listening. 

"Do you want to come in?" he says, after a minute. "We're just going to have breakfast."

"Please," his mom says, and she's still crying and her hands keep moving, like she's trying to stop herself from reaching out and touching him. "Oh, Brendon, we're so sorry. Do you think you can ever forgive us?"

Brendon stiffens, and Spencer's fingers curl around the edge of Brendon's shirt. 

"We promised Holly pancakes," Spencer says. "If you'd like to stay for breakfast." 

"Pancakes!" Holly says, lifting her head and giving Brendon a sleepy morning smile. "Elephants?" 

"Mice," Spencer supplies, because he hasn't quite perfected his elephant shaped pancakes yet. "Or bears." 

"Bears," Holly says. She kicks at Brendon until he lets her down, and Spencer presses once against the small of Brendon's back and follows Holly into the kitchen. 

Brendon swallows and steps back, holding the door open. 

Spencer busies himself getting Holly into her high chair and mixing the batter and pulling faces at her and all the while tries to ignore the painfully awkward small talk Brendon and his mum are making. He wants to shout "no, don't forgive her, look what she did to you" but he knows that Brendon will, because that's the brendon he loves. 

He hears the front door open and then close again, and then Brendon is there, pressing his head to Spencer's shoulder and wrapping his arms around Spencer's waist. 

"She gone?" Spencer asks, covering Brendon's hands with one of his own. 

Brendon shakes his head. "She had stuff, in the car. Stuff for Holly." 

"For Holly?" Holly pipes up, waving one of the magnetic letters Spencer had put her on tray at Brendon. 

Brendon exhales a laugh and says, "For my little Holly bear." 

"Bren-" 

"Don't," Brendon says, squeezing the arm he has wrapped around Spencer. "I know, I do." 

"I wasn't going to-"

"You were," Brendon says. He pulls back and pushes on Spencer's hip until he turns around. He's got that look on his face that Spencer can't say no to any more than he can say no when he sees it on Holly's. "And I appreciate it, but you don't have to... Holly is..." He stops and shoots Holly a look. She's holding up her letter "H". 

"For Holly!" she chirps. Spencer's heart hurts. 

"She's everything, and she deserves better than I had. They're not going to do to her what—" 

From the doorway, Brendon's mom clears her throat. She's holding a huge stuffed panda and a bag with balloons on it. "I'm sorry," she whispers. "I should have knocked." 

"Mom -" Brendon says, apologetically, but Spencer doesn't want to hear Brendon apologize. 

"Sit down," Spencer says, "please."

"I've got something to say," Brendon's mom says. "Do you mind if—" she stumbles over her words, and glances at Holly. 

"It's okay," Brendon says, as if he can make everything okay just by wishing. 

"It isn't," his mom says. She swallows. "When you got Laura pregnant, your dad and I were very shocked, Brendon. We'd never had to deal with anything like that before, and it was hard for us. We listened to what everyone else was saying and what everyone had always told us, and we thought about what it meant for Laura's future - for your future, for the future we had planned out in our head for you - and we were so very scared for you." She's crying again, and Brendon's eyes are wide and bright. "We did the wrong thing. We scared you away and we couldn't get you back and we _tried_ , Brendon, we tried to find you, but we couldn't."

"Can't have tried very hard," Spencer says, sharply. Holly's picked up on the weird tension in the room and she's quiet and still, not babbling like she usually does. Brendon takes her out of her chair and sits her on his knee, holding her close. She whimpers and picks at his shirt. 

Spencer grabs a pan out of the cabinet above the sink. He doesn't slam it down on the stove, but it's a close thing. 

"We're sorry," Brendon's mom carries on. "We're so sorry, Brendon, you can't—you can't know what it's like—" 

"This isn't his fault," Spencer blurts out, because he can't stop himself. He should probably go, but he's not leaving unless Brendon asks him to. Fuck that, he's not leaving unless Brendon pushes him out the door. "Don't you put this—" 

"I'm not," she says quickly. "I—this is all coming out wrong." 

"Spence," Brendon says, shifting Holly on his lap. 

Spencer shakes his head and turns back to the pancakes. He wants to rage and storm, to throw things, to demand an explanation for what these people did to Brendon, but more than that, he wants to wrap Holly up in a bubble and make sure they never, ever do the same thing to her. 

"I don't know what to say," Brendon says finally. "I can't believe this is actually happening." 

"I—" Brendon's mom says. "I can go. I should go. Give you time to—" Out of the corner of his eye, Spencer can see her give Holly a watery smile, can see her slide her hand across the table toward Brendon. "You should...talk. To your..." 

"Boyfriend," Spencer supplies. 

The corner of Brendon's mom's mouth twitches up. She meets Spencer's gaze. "I was going to say family." 

Spencer stares back at her, unflinching until Holly reaches out to him and he crosses over in two steps to sweep her up. She tucks her head into the crook of his neck and despite the tension, brendon gets that look he always gets when Spencer touches his baby girl. Their baby girl, Spencer tells himself.

"Yes," he says, "his family. Holly has aunties, did you know? And _grandparents._ " 

"Spence-" Brendon says, warningly

"No," Brendon's mum says "No, he's right. I'm glad Holly has grandparents. I'm going to go now, but" she pulls something out of her purse, a receipt, and scribbles on the back of it "just please, call me? Your dad would love to see you."

"Can I bring Spencer?" Brendon asks, and he gets up, picks up the reciept and fits himself against Spencer's side.

"One thing at a time," Brendon's mum says. She moves like she wants to hug Brendon, and after a pause, brendon steps forward and says

"I'll see you out," and ushers her down the hall. Holly snuffles into Spencer's neck, and he doesn't think his heart can hold the love he feels for their little family, or the anger at what Brendon's had thrown away.

"Bears?" Holly says, the word muffled into Spencer's neck. Spencer can't stop kissing the top of her head. 

"Let's make elephants," he says. "With chocolate chips." 

Holly pulls back and claps her hands delightedly. "Chocolate!" 

"Love you," he murmurs, kissing her head again. "I love you, Holly bear." 

"I you," Holly replies very seriously. She presses a wet kiss to Spencer's nose, and Spencer pulls her close again. When he opens his eyes, Brendon is watching him from the doorway. Spencer holds out a hand and Brendon flies to them and wraps his arms around Spencer, buries his face in Holly's hair. 

"I don't-" he chokes out, and then runs out of words. Spencer nods and holds them tighter. He closes his eyes and hangs on. 

Holly's playing with Jackie and Crystal's old toys later on, when Spencer finally gets a chance to see Brendon by himself. He's been busy doing chores all morning, cleaning and wiping and doing laundry and trying to go to the store. 

"Hey," Spencer says. "Hey. You want to tell me how you're doing?"

"No," Brendon says, because he looks taut and stressed and desperate. "Oh, fuck, Spence. My _mom_."

"I know," Spencer says. "We can tell her not to come around here anymore."

"No," Brendon says again, quickly. He shakes his head. "Spence, we had no one for so long. I can't tell Holly I passed up the chance for her to have more people who love her. It's not fair."

Spencer sighs and rubs his eyes. Back when Brendon and Holly were just an idea he let himself have, he imagined the challenges of raising a child. He thought of potty training and going off to school and learning to drive and dating, but he never, ever imagined this feeling of helplessness. He knows how strong Brendon is, has seen it time and time and time again, but Holly... 

"I don't," he says. "Brendon, I can't—how do you know that they—" 

"I don't," Brendon says. "I can't know, but...I want to believe it." 

Spencer can't help the soft smile that tugs at his mouth. No matter how often the world kicks him down, Brendon will always want to believe the best of people. 

"Are they worth taking a chance on?" 

Brendon's eyes are bright. He blinks quickly and says, "I hope so." 

Spencer doesn't know how to ask his next question, but he has to. "B - what happens if they don't ever want me to come over. What happens if that's a step too far?"

Brendon shakes his head. "No," he says. "I'm giving them a chance so they can be a part of Holly's life, if they want to, and so that maybe they can fix things with me, if they want, but me and you - we're non-negotiable. Me and Holly and you, and what we do and how we live, we're non-negotiable."

Spencer swallows. They're not out at work, not officially at least, and sometimes Spencer is so blown away by the sacrifices that Brendon keeps on making that he feels like a total shit for not making this little step and just being open about his family and who they are. 

"So what now?" Spencer says. He can't figure out what to do with his hands; he jams them in his pockets. "What do we do?" 

"I guess-" Brendon says. "I guess I'll call them. Go over and see them." 

Spencer's stomach lurches. "With Holly," he says, and tries not to feel like he's losing something. 

"No," Brendon says quickly. "By myself, at first. I want to—to talk to them, without her there. I don't want to confuse her." 

Spencer nods. 

"Will you keep her, while I—" 

"Of course," Spencer says, and it feels like his heart has slammed back into place in his chest. "You know I will, Brendon, you don't have to ask." 

Brendon shrugs. "I'm sorry that you're all caught up in this," he says. 

Spencer tries to smile. "I'm in this," he says. "I'm in it, with you, and with Holly. Through thick and thin."

 

"You're the reason I can do this." Brendon says, his forehead resting on Spencer's shoulder "You make me brave."

"No I don't," Spencer says, when he can speak past the lump in his throat. "You were always brave, its why I love you so much."

"Seeing what your mum's like with Holly. I want her to be able to have that from me. I'm going to try."

Spencer kisses his hair.

"Go next weekend? I'll take Holly to the fair at work. It'll keep her distracted."

"They'll wonder why I'm not there." Brendon says, voice muffled.

"And I'll tell them about the joys of co parenting." Spencer says, proud of the way his voice doesn't shake.

"But-" Brendon looks up then.

"Hey," Spencer tilts his chin and kisses him "I can be brave too

SO brendon called his mum, holding Spencer's hand all the while and they fix it that he will go for brunch on the saturday, and Spencer will take Holly to the fair thing that work is having because it is a FAMILY FRIENDLY employer. And spencer is kind of freaking out silently because it's one thing for most of work to assume things, and another to come out (hah) and say it. But he sees how Brendon doesn't sleep at ALL the night before, just tosses and turns and gets up five times to stare at Holly as she sleeps, clutching her stuffed snake. And seriously, Spencer tells himself sternly, if Brendon can cope with going to his parents and trying to forgive them, then he can be brave enough to take his- his _Holly_ to ride on the carosel and the ferris wheel and eat too many caramel apples. 

And he's the fucking BOSS, near enough. And if anyone says anything, he can cope. Because he'll hae Brendon and Holly still.

"Hey," Brendon say as they stand on the sidewalk about to go their seperate ways. Holly has her purple rainboots on, because neither of them could cope with the argument when they tried to suggest something else. "Love you."

"Love you too," Spencer says, and he kisses Brendon right there in front of the people walking their dogs, and the crowd of teenagers jostling each other "We can leave at any time, if you need us to come get you."

"I know," Brendon says, and squares his shoulders, the deterimed look settling over his face like a mask.

 

The fair is full of children running around and dropped ice cream cones and noise. There are some raised eyebrows but no one says anything until Holly just suddenly drops from her sugar high and is napping on Spencer's lap as he chats to Dallon, Dallon's kids playing frisbee on the grass.

"Isn't that Brendon's daughter?" Some woman from accounts asks, looking like she wants to snatch Holly away.

"This is holly," Spencer says softly, not wanting to wake Holly. He can feel Dallon tense up next to him. Dallon knows. Dallon is AWESOME. But Dallon is much easier to fire than Spencer, and anyway, Spencer doesn't need anyone to fight his battles.

"But she is Brendon's, isn't she?" the lady asks. Her brows are knit together. "Only, she's so _still."_

Dallon snorts. "For the moment," he says, and the woman smiles. "How old is she?" 

"Two and a half," Spencer says, shifting her against his chest. The half is very important. 

"You're a good friend, to take care of her," the woman says "Where is Brendon, anyway?"

"It's just me and Holly today," Spencer says. "And I'd be a pretty terrible parent if I couldn't look after my own daughter."

And just like that, it's out. It's so easy, when it comes to it. Because Holly and Brendon are part of him, and he can no more deny them than he can not breathe. 

"Oh," the woman blinks a few times "I wondered why Brendon moved departments, of course." someone calls out to her and she leaves with an awkward wave.

Spencer huffs out a breath.

"You alright dude?" Dallon asks, and pats him on the shoulder.

"I'm-good," Spencer says. And he really is. 

Holly moves her head back and forth on his shoulder

"you awake sleepy bear?" Spencer askes

"I wasn't 'sleep," she says, knuckling her eyes

"Course you weren't," Spencer says.

Holly wriggles off his lap and toddles over to where Dallon's youngest is playing with some toy trains, and takes a spare fire truck, running it over the bumpy ground and giggling when Tegan bashes the truck she's playing with against the fire truck.

They're on the carosel later, Holly clinging on tight to the mane of the unicorn she'd chosen, Spencer's arm tight round her waist, when his cell phone rings, the Journey ring tone Brendon had set for himself months ago.

He fumbles his phone out of his pocket as the carousel starts to slow. "B?" he says breathlessly. "Brendon?" 

"Hey," Brendon says. His voice is soft, but he doesn't sound like he's crying and at this point, Spencer is willing to count that as a win. "You guys still at the thing?" 

"Yeah," Spencer says. "Yeah, we're here, but we can go, we can come home." 

"Daddy?" Holly says, making a grab for the phone. "Talk to daddy?" 

"Hang on," Spencer tells her, trying to hold onto her and the phone and not break an ankle. "Holly, hang on a sec, I'm trying to—" 

"Talk to daddy!" Holly squeals. "Talk to daddy!" 

The carousel jerks to a stop and Spencer hauls Holly up and over his shoulder. "Hang on a sec, Bren, Jesus Christ." 

Somehow he gets them both on stable ground and surrenders the phone to Holly, who spends three entire minutes detailing every bit of sugar Spencer let her ingest today. "And I ride the merry go round," she declares. "And i frowed up!" With that she drops the phone to the ground and scampers off to Breezy, who is holding a candy apple the size of Holly's head. 

"It was more like a spit up," Spencer says, picking the phone back up. "She didn't actually—"

"Spence," Brendon says. "Spence, it's okay." 

Spencer curls his hand into a fist and presses it against his thigh. The rise and fall of Brendon's breath over the line is so familiar and Spencer's phone is covered with sticky fingerprints. Holly is bouncing towards him with candy smeared all over her face, and Spencer has never wanted anything in the world as much as he wants this. 

"Are you—" 

"I'm okay," Brendon says. "It was okay." 

"Is it going to be okay?" Spencer says. He scoops Holly up and presses a kiss to her sticky face. 

Brendon exhales. "I think so. Can I come—are you guys going to be there for a while?" 

"Do you want us to come home?" 

"No," Brendon says. "No, I want to come ride the ferris wheel with you and share a funnel cake with my daughter." 

"Okay," Spencer says. "We can do that." 

Brendon's breath hitches. "And I want to get married." 

Spencer laughs and lets Holly put her sticky fingers in his hair. He turns his face up to the last of the afternoon's sun. "Okay," he says. "We can do that too." 

[END]


End file.
